more grownup each day

I went to San Jose while you stayed for 2 whole days and nights with your Bubby. It was great for me and your dad to be together not only for our relationship, but also to plan for our move. We found some amazing areas, a great school for you and had a wonderful time connecting as a couple. You were talked about and missed, but it was so great to see how much fun we can have as a couple. I so hope that your father and I can be an example for what you want or don't want in relationships for your future. Right now I want you to see how much love, support and dedication there is in our little family. We have made it so many months physically separate. We are all over the travel and look forward to reconnecting in 1 house in only 3 months!!! It is so hard on us to watch you struggle with bonding with daddy only to say goodbye a few days later. You have been so amazing handling it all. I can't wait to settle down and create even more of a home for you. You make me smile, laugh and help me to see the world in a different way. You are such a blessing from G-d that I hope I can give you all that you need on this earth. You are my precious gift that I will always treasure. 

The past few weeks

We sure have had our ups and downs. You have been much more snuggly, which has been nice, but also a challenge. I know that you are missing daddy so much, which is so painful to watch. I also think that you see me really struggling and that you are taking a lot on. My temper has not been great and that makes me so sad as mom. You come first and life is really not that hard- you deserve a wonderful mom. I need to let things go, not expect as much from you and be okay when mistakes happen. I get so caught up in knowing how important these first 5yrs are that I end up shooting myself in the foot when I stress about it. I want to foster love, respect, appreciation, empathy, compassion, trust, nurturing your inner core, developing a sense of self, the ability to stop and experience the world around us. If those are truly my intentions then I must take a breath and live in the moment and see the world through your beautiful and big blue eyes. Full of love, wonder, amazement and the desire to connect and be loved. 

great Sunday morning watching Daddy's favorite show. 

The cutest Panda at the Purim Carnival

what fun it was making our costumes

Homemade Pizza-such fun cooking in the kitchen with you!

I am going to San Jose tomorrow to look at schools for you, the area and spend time with dad. You will be staying with Bubby and the pugs are with Annie and Cole. You sure did cry when they went with Cole, which was sad to see, but I am so thrilled to see you liking them so much. I am nervous leaving all of my girls in different places and leaving you for 2 nights. Dad and I need time to figure out our next move and connect so that I can be a more patient and in the moment mom that you deserve. We are growing up my pipsqueek! Looking forward to what the future holds...

DRAMA

Oh my love...my independent clinger. I either smother you or I am not there when you NEED me- it is always a mystery. You did not nap well at all today and had another melt down about the bubbles. You are pushing so many things, BUT it is FINALLY clicking that you need to listen to me on the walks. I am SO thankful for that- you have no idea. I can't tell if you are sensing my anxiety and sadness and just feeding off of me or if you are going through a developmental stage. Between you stopping nursing and having my period my hormones are crazy and you are having to learn a new way to cope. Maybe it is just life, but I do know that dad and I will not be living apart after July for a VERY long time if ever again. You miss him, I am done with this experiment to see if i can do it on my own because I totally can. We went on a fine adventure today to the Safari Park and did a good job scouting it out. I am learning a lot about myself and about how to parent. I want to say that I am sorry for having you before I was ready (I realize that I was not that young, but I sure feel young), but maybe you will have some skills that other children don't have as we really grow together. I will always love you no matter what, but I have to be honest...there are some nights where I am putting you to bed and I just don't like you very much, but i look into your eyes and hold you tight as I love you very much and I know that I will miss you when you are sleeping at that tomorrow is a new day. As always I am so lucky to be your mom.

I love my mommy!

You are doing okay adjusting to no more nurse milk. However, today you tried to 'nurse' off of my breast. You are more cuddly, which I love. You hold my hand, yelled MOMMY and ran to me when I picked you up at school and told a sitter at the park that "I love your mommy". You are turing into your own person. You had a booboo at the park and asked to go home to get ice...nothing like your mama. It is as if I am falling in love more with you each day. You have 'ideas' and all sorts of things to talk about. It does still makes me a bit sad that we are done nursing, but all of this snuggling is WONDERFUL. I made you a cheese burrito and you LOVED it and we had a picnic right on the sidewalk.