Julian

We went on our own adventure to Julian while daddy was visiting Sonny in the hospital. It was so much fun driving up with you and looking at the cows and horses and having you sing as we explored. It was SOOO cold when we arrived you even fell over b/c of the wind. We did not get to do all that much, but it was fun to be with your friends and try something new.

Holiday update

My little Lady... my handful of love, challenges, blessings and lots of learning I love you so very much.

There are moments when I don't know if I handle you and there are moments when I just can't enough of you. Apparently you are up for an Oscar at school...we are really struggling to get you to cleanup after you various projects.

The other day you made me laugh so hard. You came home and grabbed my face "listen to me, listen mommy. we don't hit"

Watching you find your way to navigate Fancy and Eloise has been so interesting between picking which toy they 'should' play with and how they should play.

I look forward to you finding your way to share and adjust with changes better than me. I hope that I can take more time to be in the moment with you just enjoying our time together as opposed to planning and preparing.
I am so thankful to be your mother my wish is that you can be a bit more easy going and allow others to play with your toys, that you will not get so very worked up when things don't go the way you plan and that you can be gentle with your friends. I know that you heart is beautiful and pure and that I need to help guide you through this hard time of BIG feelings.
My baby you will always be.

biggest lesson

June you taught me so much this morning. We needed to get out of the house early and I got frustrated when you dumped out all of your toys after I had put them away. I knew that you had done NOTHING wrong, but I was upset and instead of handling it well I grabbed you and moved you out of the way. You responded with tears and words "that made me sad". My goodness  you were so RIGHT in what you said- i did make you sad I acted inappropriately and I am so very sorry that I acted in such a horrible way. I am so very impressed how you handled the situation...my little lady I am going to learn so very much from you. Thank you for going on this journey with me and I hope that I can grow with you. Please just be patient with me as I work to be the best mother that I can be and remember how much I love you...I love you with all my heart and soul. zillions of xoxo

my june

pulling up to swim school...
M...oll..y? its not mommy...mo...lly...no not mommy...we see mol..ly? HI Molly

you were practicing saying your swim teachers name in the car...my cool toddler

If I can't get into Annika's bunny swing I will pick up her stool and move it so that I am tall enough to get in...too bad I am still too heavy

June you are so smart and creative...i said no to the bunny swing so you found a way to get in all by yourself, but sadly I still wouldn't let you in b/c we didn't want to break it.

Watching TV and you see football...GO CHIEFS

you are growing up everyday! You bring a smile to my face and warm my heart. I love loving you and being your mom. every moment brings on a new challenge and something for me to learn. what an incredible journey this motherhood thing is.

 going to the "market" with Barbie and Pappo...your pretending skills ROCK

zillions of xoxo

just a quick up date

Everything is MINE MINE MINE
I DO IT
zillions of kisses and hugs
SO sweet!
first playdate with your classmates and you were so sad to leave...I need my friends mommy all the car ride home :)
working on a new toddler clock...ill keep you posted.

You are growing up so very fast...snuggled in the pouch on our evening walk...amazing 15min that i hope to always remember and cherish

 working on your 'feather' for school...so much fun in the sunshine...need to get you paints!!

 Too cute for school

looking for fancy and giving your frog nurse milk..my little caregiver

weekend away

I left you for 2 nights to fly to Boston to be with my friends. Christina's mom passed away and we 7 decided to go an visit. I hope that you get to know and love: Carter, Christina, Jensen, Emily Max, Emily Pressman and Rachel. It is amazing to have a group so thoughtful and caring that they are willing to drop everything when a friend is in need. It was a great 50hrs even though I missed you and daddy. You both did great, even though you did not sleep much. I kept pumping as I don't think you are ready to wean. I am thrilled that you go that time with dad and I want you to learn to put your friends first before boys or other silly things. It was hard to leave my family, but this was a weekend that I will always remember. You and Dad are my #1, but keeping up with my friends is good for the family as a whole. Also, dad got time to bond with you. You are growing up so much.

You broke your fake bandaid (you ripped a sticker)
You pet a puppy at the vet and then you said thank you bye-bye...you are great with social cues
Pay attention daddy when he is driving the car
tonight you read daddy a book during skype time.

sadness of love

Honey I want you to know that during this time you struggled with sleep while your daddy was away. I am hoping that this resolves its self with time, but as of now you sleep the most soundly when daddy is home...11hrs one night and a 2hr nap!!! You even sometimes wimper in your sleep the night that daddy leaves. It is so painful on all of us and this now gives you full power to through it back in our faces when you have issues when you are older, but deep your heart know that dad and i thought that we made the right decision and that we will continue to search for what is right for all of us. You are so important to you and we love you so very much. Just this early AM, which could be considered last night we 3 sat in your rocking chair just holding you letting you know how much we love you. Dad and I are a strong unit of love and we are always here for you. I want you to see us laughing and holding hands like you did on Saturday morning after you slept-over at Bubbys- you just looked so happy to see your parents together and smiling. I hope that you will realize during this year since you get a zillion more skills each day, and as you get older that even when we are apart we always love each other and will forever and always love you. JB, this parenting thing is hard, but I wouldn't change it for the world please just remember that we are always learning and growing and we will keep trying to be the best that we can be.
looking into the possibility of you being allergic to strawberries.
JB line: i picked you up from school and asked how was your day at school...you responded..."have a good day at work?" you were NOT parroting back you are getting the concept and you are not even 2...I am brought to tears everyday when i see your talent, love, empathy, happiness and just watch my baby turn into your own beautiful person. I love you! Just to brag: we were reading Brown Bear and you told me that I missed a page and you were RIGHT!!!

Florida...where you grew...in my belly that is

We flew across the country by ourselves. Rented a car, found the beach house, put in a car seat and navigated directions all by ourselves! You are a great flyer!
You loved being with Ashley and Taylor...you were up most of saturday night asking for them and during the party you kept walking up to their table and just staring at them.
It was nice getting to see you with Duchess and Grandpa...you even took Duchess panda home as you liked it so much.
I have been slow to post as we have been so busy living and scheduling life. Hopefully you will sleep past 3 and past 5 and maybe make it all the way to 6 as I NEED some sleep my little lady.
You know say full sentances and everything is your favorite...taylors wedding is my favorite, my dress is my favorite, this Dora song is my favorite...you are just too cute for words and too smart for your own good. Your note from school today stated that you were challenging the guides...my rascal!

The sweet and the challenge

What an overall great Sunday!
We watched the Chiefs...you said go Chiefs...what fun to get to cheer along with my daughter. I hope that we can form the memories that I have with Grandpa in having snacks and cheering on our team. We also got to watch our first movie together. You sat on my lap and we watched a turtle tail. It was so nice getting to snuggle with you and talk about all that we were seeing and what was happening. After our relaxing morning we ventured out to Sea world. We would wait in line to meet the mermaid or pumpkins and then when it was our turn you would start to cry...I did not make you sit on their lap. It was such an interesting expierence watching you get excited and then scared. You were wonderfuly behaved while we were out. you walked and held my hand and we saw the penguines, baby balugas, and of course Elmo's world. You were standing by the speaker and Elmo started to talk and your face was priceless trying to find where Elmo was

Fall Festival

The air is crisp and you are walking and talking.
Last night we went to your first tot-shabbat. you walked right in and sat on the rabbi's foot! you were so independent until I asked you to come over and sit on my lap, which then led you to stay close. I love that you are learning the songs and about the community that religion can offer you even if you choose not to be religious or embrace a religion I hope that you will always find comfort in a community.
My goodness next October will just be crazy with you almost being 3! I had a weekend of fall adventures planned, but today the pumpkin patch was a bust :( we ended up the La Jolla wine and art festival, which was so fun. You painted a car, made a crown and played some African Drums then street tacos and pinapple/basil drink to end our afternoon. It was great watching you 'play' with another girl. It is amazing how you just walk up and say HI. I so enjoyed watching you run around with her. You fell asleep in the car, which you have not done in a really long time. no baba you were just out and I was able to carry you up, change your diaper and put you into bed. You were a tired girl b/t swimming and walking all over the place. We will see what our afternoon adventure will bring!

Street Taco

 First pumpkin pie

your shabbat outfit from Barbie. 

Play time

My little JB...this is what you say when someone asks your name: June Bug and you call yourself JB b/c daddy is LB and I am HB. You are a smart little cookie! It has been so long since I have written about our adventures so a quick up-date:
1) you are loving Winnie-the-Pooh and learning everyone's names- we even went to the library in search of pooh books!
2) you are talking all of the time
3) you make daddy and laugh with your comments
4) you are doing great in school
5) you love playing with dogs..your dogs other people dogs just dogs!
6) you are sometimes really struggeling to share your toys
7) all of the sudden you will hit me and I am working on finding ways to help you...today you asked to to do your OHMS...so sweet
8) you wanted to say "good-bye" to diapers so we bought you underware, but you then went back to diapers...I didn't think that you were ready, but I wanted to let you see the power that you have.

Today was a great day...we had a nice walk as you slept till the sun came up. we then had breakfast and went to school. I picked you up for our nurse milk and then home to walk the dogs and have a snack. Today we had nothing planned so we went to the park for a few hrs, which was just great. You didn't want to stay in the sand so we ventured all over the park. A boy from your class was there, which was so fun. Many of the other moms were speaking Spanish- I really want you to be fluent as it will help you so much in life. After got home you played so nicely by yourself and I cooked dinner and got us all ready for the morning! You eat ham for the first time tonight and couldn't get enough. While cleaning up you put your black can on your head and ran over to me knowing that I would think it was funny but sadly i didnt get my phone in time. But I did get a picture of you unloading all of your toys out the bin. I don't know why you wanted to do that, but it was fun watching you "work".

I love spending time with you and enjoying this fall with you. I was looking at pictures of you from last October- it is AMAZING how much you change each year. You are walking, talking, going to school, hugging, giving kisses, making friends I just can't believe how quickly time passes. Now matter what I say you will most likely not get it until you are older just like I probably wont REALLY get it until I am older. I hope we can both live in the moment and enjoy this adventure of life. I love you forever, I like you for always, forever and always my baby you will be xoxo my little june bug.

Pretend mommy

JB...
It was our first tuesday without an activity so we finally got to go to the library and get the your pooh books. It was such fun exploring a new library (playing on the amazing computer and seeing how you just were able to figure it all out). We then got to walk the dogs and have dinner. It is amazing watching you eat your asparagus and fish ever so quickly. What an amazing toddler. Feeling like I had so much on my plate I was able to talk you into a stroller walk to get ice-cream. We now have your stroller facing me, which has been a nice bonding experience. You talked and squawked the whole way there and then you walked the rest of way in to the store and everyone just smiled and stared at you as you waddled around with your ladybug doll and your beautiful blue eyes and big smile. We then sat outside enjoying our treat until it was run around time. While looking at our reflections you told me to bend down and be the 'pretend' mom, which I gathered to be our reflections. It was just too amazing to see you put all these pieces together. I finally got you back into the stroller and then you took off running and had a BIG kaaboom. Oh my was it scary picking you off the ground and seeing you with a bloody nose. I have been getting so very frustrated with you running away from me when I ask you to stop and you just take off even faster. I am so scared about this behavior and how to protect you- a bloody nose was hard, but getting hit by a car or having you get a worse injury is something that I don't even want to think or write down as I love you ever so much. Then you recovered and we read our books...sadly as you got upstairs you had another fall into the ottomon. My goodness does it hurt me when you are hurt. 

Just a pic from the weekend of us baking our pumpkin cupcakes and our first house warming potluck...you are such an amazing helper in the kitchen. 

so tired

what a wonderful weekend of backing, pet store, walks, and friends, but I am just so tired. You decided to not sleep much at all, which took a big tole on me. I love you so much and I want to be the best mom that I can, but it is hard on me when I am so sleepy- my temper is short. We hung our hummingbird feeder, we made cupcakes together and snuggled on the couch while I also tried to figure out about the pugs and their fleas. It still felt like I could not be present with you even with a pile of dishes in the sink, which took me 20min to take care of tonight. I love that you are growing up with each hand that pushes me away or every time you tell me know, but I cherish the hugs, when you run over for a kiss or reach for me. Tonight you wanted to be with Bubby so much that you pushed me away and said good bye in such away that I was brought to tears- my goodness will it hurt when you choose your friends over me and then a bf or gf and then go on many adventures...it is what is supposed to happen and I will be there waiting to listen about it all when you reach out. All I can hope for is that we form a  bond strong enough that will keep us connected and you reaching when ever you need a hand, a hug, a kiss or a cheer leader. You are such a sweet and lovely little lady- I just had to let you know even as my eyelids are closing. As I have stated and continue to work- I MUST calm down my temper and increase my patience as you are only a toddler and it is up to me to regulate the emotions. I hope that I don't mess you up too much and that you will learn and grow from my short comings. Sweetest dreams to my little JB.

Great Saturday & Sunday with Daddy!

Saturday:
all morning we played around the house- rolling on the ground and rough-housing. we then went to the park and in the afternoon we went to fishy-world. For some reason you were very overwhelmed so you cuddled in our arms the whole time. You were excited to see the dolphins and were able to say 'hi' to ELMO, ERNIE & COOKIE MONSTER!

Sunday:
You slept in until 7am!!!! Another morning playing around the house, then off to see Pop-Irv and Mom-mom and then to the shores. After a nice nap and more playing we did a family bike ride to the market and on our way out mom and dad forgot to bring money...it was just too funny and thankfully we just both laughed about it. I hope that we can teach you not to take life too seriously and just laugh off the small things. It was so easy to ride home and hop into the car to go back for the groceries. We then had noodles for dinner, which is great watching you get sauce all over your face. Then we went to see Liz and Remington. It was sad to see you hit and not share, but this is just the developmental stage and with our help it will pass. You did do a great job feeding him and giving hugs, which was such a joy.

5am wake-ups

Most of this week you woke up so very early...i had an idea that it was because you wanted time to snuggle with me, which caused me to be very concerned about you being in school and the other adult choices that I had been making. It was confirmed on Sunday morning after the 3 of us had spent all day together. You then slept in until 7am!!! I am going to need to work on changing our afternoon schedule to help you feel more connected so that you feel better about sleeping past 5am in the morning as it is not working well for either of us. However, you have found great ways to entertain yourself at home while I have been cooking, packing lunches, or just working around the house, which makes me so proud- you are growing up into an amazing lady. You cook and bring me tea or bubble water while we are doing our own things in the afternoon- ill see how we can do more together as that is what is most important.
This was a big week as it was the first full week of work for me and you had 2 days off of school, so we had Becky babysit you, which was a great success. There was another challenge this week for you...having your friends over. You are really struggling to share, which is hard to watch. You had a full blown melt down when Elliot came over- I wasn't exactly sure what to do except try to comfort you, while also explaining the boundaries. Thankfully when our other friends arrived you felt much more comfortable and it was just wonderful watching you interact with your friends. It was such a fun playgroup as you were able to play with your friends and work through some big feelings with me to support you.
There are going to be lots of big changes during these next few months between school, dad's travel and my work/school. You are not even 2 yet, which is crazy to think how much more you have to grow as you are already a person who I can't get enough of.

look at you reading all by yourself! 

it's pouch time

you wanted to wear my pouch for you, so we created your every own pouch for you to carry Elmo. You were so cute walking around with your Elmo and giving him nurz mil and taking him for walks. You had a big ahhboom on our walk and I think that you cried b/c you were afraid that you hurt him as  opposed to being hurt yourself. I can't begin to tell you how proud I felt seeing you being so loving and nurturing to others. It made me feel that you got all the work that I have been doing to help you feel secure and cared for.

lovely yom kippur

It was our first Thursday away from each other and you ended up waking up at 5 wanted your nur-mil. I think that you just wanted to be with me. It was so hard getting up so early and then you wanted what I had packed for your lunch for breakfast...needless to say it turned into an interesting morning as I needed to get you to your Bubby's house by 7:30. I then picked you up early from school and you decided that you only needed a 30 min nap...oh man was I frustrated. I hate the way that I act towards you when I get that angry- I need to walk away and try again when I have calmed down as I turned into a person that I don't want to be. We then left for the beach and re-connected with some old friends from the original yoga mom's group, which was just so nice. You had a wonderful time playing in the waves and in the sand. We both calmed down and had a beautiful afternoon. We were even able to have Shabbat and then go to a bit of services b/f you ended up asking for ice-cream. It was my first Yom Kippur going out to get ice-cream.
Saturday was another day away from you, which is sad for me. We found out that Asha went into labor. It made me really realize how much work I still need to do around your birth. I don't want you to be haunted by the idea of birth or post-partum issues. I want to work through this before you get much older, so that we can talk about it on a factual level where we can talk about emotions without getting overly emotional. I want this for all of us: you, me, your father and any future sibling as it is just such a sad place to be. I tried to remind myself all afternoon that I had you, we were able nurse, I have started to build this amazingly beautiful bond with you and I am so blessed to have you even though it hurts to think how you came into the world. It is like I feel that I failed you from the start yet I know that this is not true- it was not perfect, but I will never be perfect and all that I can hope is that you learn from my imperfections. I am so excited for a whole day just to play with you. NO stress to be any where at any time, no chores, NOTHING that HAS to get done...our day of fun and love.

loe - you

bye-bye mom...see later...fun day

It is such a great way to start the day knowing that you are looking forward to school and seeing me off, but it is also one of the hardest things seeing how big you are getting. This was my first day away from you all day. You finally napped for 2 whole hrs at school! I really thought that I would miss you SO much for than I did. I mean I did miss you, my breasts ached for you, I didn't know what to do with all that time to study, socialize and go to class, but I could not wait to get home to you. By 7pm I was crying for you and so unsure how our reunion would be. You were excited to see me as I you. We sat and snuggled and talked with dad, which was so nice.
I look forward to seeing how we get into a routine. I can't wait to spend most of the day together tomorrow and all day Sunday. I just hope that this time away from each other will be beneficial
and our bond will still remain strong. I need you to know that I am doing my best: snuggle and or books in the morning, holding you, nursing you and loving on you as much as I can while taking care of myself, our family and not getting too stressed so that I can be present with out getting frustrated. There is no reason for me to be frustrated with you as you are just a baby- you will always be my child, which is why I am hear to take care of you always and forever.

you asked to paint during breakfast...and here you are working so hard

Growing up so fast

This week has made me realize how grown up you are. Your vocabulary is growing by the minute, you slept all night in your night-night boots, you understand wining and asking nicely and you are just such fun to be around. I miss getting to just play with you, so I need to remember to make time. We play in the morning, but there is usually something rushing us and even in the afternoons, so I making a conciouse effort for tomorrow morning and for chunks of time over the weekend to just be present and not making you feel rushed. You have let me carry in the pouch, which is such a great way to start the morning with even more snuggle time. You lean you head on me to cuddle and you take such good care of your dogs, which is so amazing to see. It is hard at night being awake and not being able to touch, look and kiss you. I am falling more in love with you all the time. I don't want to miss these amazing days, weeks, months and years as you really start to blossom into this amazing little lady.

June-ism

I realized that I need to start documenting the cute things that you do!
Now you are all into babies...saying hi to them and making sure that they get their milk.
You are giving "nurs mil" to everything...i wish I had a photo of you walking down the sidewalk giving a pine-cone and then a baby rock nurse milk. It is so amazing watching you nurture others.
We had a great Thursday afternoon...you didn't nap long so we went to the beach. I had nothing so you ran around in your diaper and sun hat- shared other children's sand toys and splashed in the water. It was exactly the type of mom that I would like to be and we were just in it- listening to each other and getting our needs met. Nursing you on the park bench with you naked and the sun out, but us under a shady tree was just perfect. Then i didn't have an extra diaper so you pee-peed outside like a dog and I put a panty liner in your onsie...like I said nothing could have been better.
The next morning you saw dad- you ran to him and almost cried, which made both of us nearly cry. It was a great weekend with the 3 of us. We had a nice Shabbat dinner- still one of your favorite things and spent our time just playing. You acted up most of the time dad was home, but I think it was your way of letting us know how confusing and frustrating this is on you. I know that it is hard on both of us, so I am sure that it very hard on you. I just hope that through this you will learn that our family is always there for each other no matter where we actually are and that change may be difficult or maybe you will learn to embrace. I just can't wait to see who you become, but DON'T grow up too fast!
This morning I dropped you off at school and you waved and said bye bye and then napped at school like it was no big deal. No pacifier or anything- then you said no thank you while driving to swim school...every day you are changing and I feel so lucky to be part of your development.

oh family

It has been few days now with Duchess and Grandpa...they will be leaving tomorrow, which is when I always start to miss them and become happy that they were here. I hope that we can both live in the moment...I need to try harder each day...maybe this is something that you will be gifted at and I can learn from you.
Last night we were so crabby and hot that we went down to this great fish shop and picked up dinner and had an amazing picnic at the beach. It was great watching you explore, chase the birds and munch off of everyone's plate. It was a beautiful evening with the sea air all around and your little prints marking the sand. On the way home you wanted to carry the trash all by yourself- what a stubborn little girl you are...I wonder where you get it from?
Your talk with dad went great...it was just the two of us and you LOVED having him read the cowboy book to you, which Bubbie picked out. Just when you were getting moody we stopped and you went up to bed happy and content...I am hoping that our new plan will work.
Your drop off to school in the morning was a smooth transition and then the cuddle time when you get home is just want you need. We had to push back your swimming b/c you took a later nap...you are doing a great job at sleeping for 2 hrs. You ordered your Halla for the new year, which is just such fun to watch you walk in with your little cards and oder "Halla please". At swim school you missed your step and fell in...you duchess loves you so much that without thinking she was in the water pulling you out. I just can't wait to watch your relationship grow with her.
After swimming we went to Mr. Frosties where you had your first Ice Cream Cone. I am so glad that we could share a first with your grandparents and then talk to Barbie on the drive home.
School and not being with me as much has been challenging on you. You want to hold my hand in the car yet at the same time everything is YOURS and you know exactly what you want. You are full of personality and spunk. It is amazing watching you grow...I just hope that I am guiding you in the best way. Tomorrow Duchess and Grandpa leave and dad will be home late Thursday, so you will see him Friday AM...I am curious to see how this weekend goes for everyone.
I hope that I can watch your personality shine through while instilling in you the need to be kind, gentle, loving and open to the universe and all of its creatures. Staying true to your core while also embracing the light within others and the universal powers that surround us. I am looking forward to watching you continue to blossom.

H-O-T...HOT

Oh my little lady...a 30min nap then off to Alex's house for playtime and dinner turned into the worst night ever. You were so hot, so uncomfortable even the dogs didn't know what todo. None of us slept well, but we knew that Duchess and Grandpa would be coming to town so we made it through. You were so excited to see them, which was just wonderful. You are still trying to figure out what to do when I get sad/upset and it is NOT your job to fix the situation...only role you play is to stop a behavior if that is causing me the frustration. These last few days have been hard on you having dad away, duchess and grandpa in town, bubbie around, and the school part...so many changes for my pip-squeek.
It is so great knowing that you know how much of a role duchess and grandpa want to have in your life and how comfortable you are with them. I am sad that you don't get to be with them every week, but I know soon enough we will find ways for you to spend more and more time with them.
They came to town on Saturday afternoon and we were on a mission for fans, then dinner and the park, which was such fun. Sunday you were so off of your schedule it wasn't even funny. Monday we finally had more of a plan...grocery store in the am, park with grandpa b/f lunch then duchess put you down for a great nap. We then went for a great bike ride and then to the pool.
Every time you talked to dad on the computer you started to act up, which you also did when we had dinner with Bubbie. It has been so hard to see you acting like this: spilling your water, biting, hitting and disobeying. You dropped your plate full of food onto the floor at dinner and it broke all over the place, i have never seen you act in such a way...i hope I can find the best way to help you manouver through these life changes. How I can be your stable, your constant and give you the tools to find your way to self-soothe or get the support so that you don't get too overwhelmed. You are such a lovely child and gift that I hope to guide in the best way possible. I know that there have been so many changes and I am just trying to do my best to figure out how to support you so that you can succeed.
You are the best dirty dish cleaner-upper, which is just too cute. You love swimming in the pool, playing in the sand, kissing your pugs and having all of the attention. I am so lucky to be your mom.

my little helper

You made it till 12 at school!
I was so anxious going to meet with my supervisor thinking that you were going to need me, but you did great! Your lunch box even came home empty. I had so much fun seeing where I would be working and loved knowing that you were learning so much at school. You even made your own OJ. After you short nap we tried to venture to the library, but sadly it was closed, so we ran around out front. It my intention being that you would fall asleep in the car on the way home, but to no avail you were wide awake so off to the park we went. We actually met a girl about your age who had a nice mom...maybe we will see them again. You were just a wild child trying to do everything on your own- it was so cool to see you navigate friends and all the different equipment and toys people brought to the park. You were not the best at sharing...I wonder how long this will last?
Then to the highlights of my day...you helped me prepar dinner!!! We washed the mushrooms and you put the cut mushrooms and greenbeans in the pan and helped with the rice. You then had chips and salsa for an appitizer and then eat a great dinner! THEN you helped me to clean and dry the pots and pans- it was so great having a helper and made evening go so nicely as the work was the fun.
After we cleaned up we had a cup of tea on the couch and read a book. It was such a nice way to calm down at the end of the day. I would repeat this evening MANY times. I look forward to seeing what our routine looks like in a few months. Your new thing is soaking in the tub, I will have to get a picture of it the next time...it is just too cute. It is so amazing all that you can do...I hope that we can have more evenings like this.

School Days

Well, the day started out nicely...then we talked with Dad on the phone and you could not stop throwing your food...we are assuming that you are just having so many feelings and you don't know how to express your sadness over missing dad and the confusion that this whole change has had on you. Once we said good bye you were back to your self and chasing the pugs around. It was so cute to see you so happy. We made it to school right on time and your little face was so confused when the teacher took you out of the car even with all the explanation you could see your little mind trying to figure out what was actually going happening. By 9:15 I was called to plan on getting you at 10, so i picked you up so full of tears and we went to get my hair cut which was such a crazy adventure as you just could not sit still. Home for lunch to talk with Duchess and Grandpa, nap then off the puppet show.
Oh did we just love the puppet show, you sat on my lap and just took the whole thing in while talking to all the animals on stage. Then we had a fun snack time in the park with your friends...it was great seeing you, Cole, Evertt and Nevia running around...you are all growing up so fast.
Swim school was great and you were so hungry that we had to stop for a burrito on the way home. You just did not stop today- you walked most of the long walk while balancing on the curb (your new favorite thing to do). After dinner you reminded me that if we did not have time to stop for ice-cream that you could have a popsicle, so we sat outside enjoy the summer night.
Early to bed as you took a short nap and never stopped moving all day. I am nervous about school tomorrow as I have a meeting with my Supervisor and you have already let me know that you don't want to go to school. We will see how the morning goes. It is really hard to leave you, but I found a great place for you, you will learn so much there, I get to follow my dreams and support the family, we get to play in the afternoons and weekends together and you get to learn to find comfort within yourself for a few hours each week day. I can't let you quit just because the first day was hard. I am going to be strong for both of us tomorrow and know that it will just take time and we will both get through this. In just a few weeks you will be so excited to go to school that you will be rushing me out of the house.
I am loving growing with you.

Paint the walls

Today I realized how much my actions affect you. I have been short tempered and physical in my responses and it made me sad to see you react in such a way. I was sad that it was me that showed you frustration and sadness. It is my job as a mom to be your support, your safty net, the person to lead by example and i was getting frusterated over the smallest of things. Big red flag to take a break, let some things go and fill myself up. I get to be what ever mom I want to be, which I am now trying to remind myself each step of the way.
We went to a very cool place to paint on the walls and everything else. It was such a neat place and this is what helped me to realize that you feed off my emotions and my reactions- that is such a great amount of power and responsibility that I do need to hold as more sacred. After our painting adventure and life lessons we played in the water outside and had our first popsicle in our new house. It was much needed fun as we waited for you 18m check up.
You did a great job at Dr. Archy's and then we came home for TV time and early to bed as you were a bit of a mess. Yet, you could not get enough of your band-aid- it was so shinny!
Couldn't believe that I was then getting you all packed up for your first day of school!

day of fun

It was our first trip to the zoo just the 2 of us! You were too cute knowing what you wanted to see and we figured out how to see your monkeys, llama, camel, and RIO. It was so nice getting to explore with you. We then got to go to the park with the pugs and just play...I just wanted to play with you. I am so not ready for you to start school- once school starts it means that you are no longer mine, I will only have you on the summers and someone else will be raising you. You are only little once...i got to carried you to bed wrapped in your towel like a little baby and it felt so nice.

Oh me oh my

what a Sunday...1 hr nap and a crazy park monster makes for an interesting day. I kept you in a diaper as you have stopped wanting to tell me when you need to go on the potty- yesterday was just awful and today I was frustrated when you peed on the floor once. There is NO need for me to be frustrated at you...it is all me. I do however wonder what has made you change your mind about using the potty, is it b/c daddy is gone, is it the new house or are you just not ready to take on so many changes. Giving you your freedom means that I need to charged and minimize the unnecessary frustrations like you going pee on the couch...looks like we are both stubborn ladies!
I worked on filling up my battery and went for a walk just thinking about my intention for these next months together. How can I honor you and myself while we both take on so many new things. It is going to be a balancing act that I hope will allow me to follow my dreams and provide you with a strong foundation. I know that I will do many things to hurt you and mess you up through the years, but hopefully evenings at the park with friends followed by a yummy dinner and bath with Riva and others like her will provide you with a sense of security and love. You did have your nurse milk b/f bed, which was nice. Sending you loving thoughts and lots of positive energy as I lay in bed listening to the monitor while you sleep peacefully in your bed. May I wake up fresh for a fun day at the zoo and a productive nap time to finish up my paper! Sweetest dreams my June bug...

ice cream...you scream

Our first saturday night was just perfect. I never thought that grocery shopping finished with sharing a mini cup in the parking lot would be so wonderful. You wanted to hold the cup and use your own spoon. Something so small made me realize how fast you are growing up while at the same time how much you still need me. Sometimes I get frustrated by you needing me, but then when you are not around and don't ask for me I feel so alone. I hope that for these next few months and for the rest of our time together and can take a breath with each demand of me and find the beauty in being needed by my LO while helping to guide you as you grow your own wings. I love you so much...even when you wake me at 530 for your nurse milk. Never stop asking for me...I will always be there.

fun filled day

oh my little lady!

we went to talk about my feelings and I realized that I must lean into my anxiety. I am still struggling with my separation anxiety yet i realized that this is a chance for me to grow and strengthen a part of me and best part is...I get to do it with you. I hope that I will see all your strengths and amazing skills as you grow. We shopped, played and ran like crazy at the park. Give me time my little toast point to find more of my inner light and strength to run freely by your side in the sunshine. I hope that my sadness and anxiety doesn't hinder your ability to blossom and see the beauty in the world around you.
Today I learned that instead of feeling like I have not grown because I am using the same coping skills from when I was 12 I will honor how smart my 12 year old self was. I hope that you will always honor yourself and never forget to lean back in your swing and smile at the sun the way you know how to do at 18m. June you are a gift of sunshine to this beautiful world.
You are worth every late night because it is just more time that I get to play with you during the day- i get to follow both of my dreams: being a mom and helping others...its one day at a time filled with laughter and probably some tears and lots of hugs and kisses.

"dammit you said as you knocked over the bubble water"

Day 1

June,
today was the first day that it was just the 2 of us. We have spent the last month the three of us for 24/7. Yet, for the past few weeks I have been in a lot of classes and recently attended a training for 36hrs away from you. It was a great expierence, but I missed you so very much. It was so nice spending the whole day together, which something that we had not been able to do in a very long time.
You were wonderful going to class with me and attending you first afternoon swim class. We managed to have a nice dinner just the two of us, but it will take some practice on my end to make that run more smoothly.
It was so cute watching you talk with dad on the computer. i will never forget your little lip quizer as he said goodnight. You two became so close over the past month that he was home it was absolutly amazing to see.
I look forward to getting into the flow of this new schedule as I am so sad and anxious for the future. I want to be the best mom that I can and give you best life possible. I hope that we are making good decisions, but all that really matters is that you know that we love you so much and are doing the best that we can.
I will find the best way that I know how to get you ready for pre-school next week and for having only a mom at home while still growing your relationship with your dad who is doing the best he can to provide and care for us. I look forward to finding our rythem, days full of smiles, morings cuddeling in bed, treasuring the weekends together and watching you continue to grow into an amazing compastionate little lady. I am so madly in love with you my pip-squeek- there is no one else who i would prefer to share in this journy.