so tired

what a wonderful weekend of backing, pet store, walks, and friends, but I am just so tired. You decided to not sleep much at all, which took a big tole on me. I love you so much and I want to be the best mom that I can, but it is hard on me when I am so sleepy- my temper is short. We hung our hummingbird feeder, we made cupcakes together and snuggled on the couch while I also tried to figure out about the pugs and their fleas. It still felt like I could not be present with you even with a pile of dishes in the sink, which took me 20min to take care of tonight. I love that you are growing up with each hand that pushes me away or every time you tell me know, but I cherish the hugs, when you run over for a kiss or reach for me. Tonight you wanted to be with Bubby so much that you pushed me away and said good bye in such away that I was brought to tears- my goodness will it hurt when you choose your friends over me and then a bf or gf and then go on many adventures...it is what is supposed to happen and I will be there waiting to listen about it all when you reach out. All I can hope for is that we form a  bond strong enough that will keep us connected and you reaching when ever you need a hand, a hug, a kiss or a cheer leader. You are such a sweet and lovely little lady- I just had to let you know even as my eyelids are closing. As I have stated and continue to work- I MUST calm down my temper and increase my patience as you are only a toddler and it is up to me to regulate the emotions. I hope that I don't mess you up too much and that you will learn and grow from my short comings. Sweetest dreams to my little JB.

Great Saturday & Sunday with Daddy!

Saturday:
all morning we played around the house- rolling on the ground and rough-housing. we then went to the park and in the afternoon we went to fishy-world. For some reason you were very overwhelmed so you cuddled in our arms the whole time. You were excited to see the dolphins and were able to say 'hi' to ELMO, ERNIE & COOKIE MONSTER!

Sunday:
You slept in until 7am!!!! Another morning playing around the house, then off to see Pop-Irv and Mom-mom and then to the shores. After a nice nap and more playing we did a family bike ride to the market and on our way out mom and dad forgot to bring money...it was just too funny and thankfully we just both laughed about it. I hope that we can teach you not to take life too seriously and just laugh off the small things. It was so easy to ride home and hop into the car to go back for the groceries. We then had noodles for dinner, which is great watching you get sauce all over your face. Then we went to see Liz and Remington. It was sad to see you hit and not share, but this is just the developmental stage and with our help it will pass. You did do a great job feeding him and giving hugs, which was such a joy.

5am wake-ups

Most of this week you woke up so very early...i had an idea that it was because you wanted time to snuggle with me, which caused me to be very concerned about you being in school and the other adult choices that I had been making. It was confirmed on Sunday morning after the 3 of us had spent all day together. You then slept in until 7am!!! I am going to need to work on changing our afternoon schedule to help you feel more connected so that you feel better about sleeping past 5am in the morning as it is not working well for either of us. However, you have found great ways to entertain yourself at home while I have been cooking, packing lunches, or just working around the house, which makes me so proud- you are growing up into an amazing lady. You cook and bring me tea or bubble water while we are doing our own things in the afternoon- ill see how we can do more together as that is what is most important.
This was a big week as it was the first full week of work for me and you had 2 days off of school, so we had Becky babysit you, which was a great success. There was another challenge this week for you...having your friends over. You are really struggling to share, which is hard to watch. You had a full blown melt down when Elliot came over- I wasn't exactly sure what to do except try to comfort you, while also explaining the boundaries. Thankfully when our other friends arrived you felt much more comfortable and it was just wonderful watching you interact with your friends. It was such a fun playgroup as you were able to play with your friends and work through some big feelings with me to support you.
There are going to be lots of big changes during these next few months between school, dad's travel and my work/school. You are not even 2 yet, which is crazy to think how much more you have to grow as you are already a person who I can't get enough of.

look at you reading all by yourself! 

it's pouch time

you wanted to wear my pouch for you, so we created your every own pouch for you to carry Elmo. You were so cute walking around with your Elmo and giving him nurz mil and taking him for walks. You had a big ahhboom on our walk and I think that you cried b/c you were afraid that you hurt him as  opposed to being hurt yourself. I can't begin to tell you how proud I felt seeing you being so loving and nurturing to others. It made me feel that you got all the work that I have been doing to help you feel secure and cared for.

lovely yom kippur

It was our first Thursday away from each other and you ended up waking up at 5 wanted your nur-mil. I think that you just wanted to be with me. It was so hard getting up so early and then you wanted what I had packed for your lunch for breakfast...needless to say it turned into an interesting morning as I needed to get you to your Bubby's house by 7:30. I then picked you up early from school and you decided that you only needed a 30 min nap...oh man was I frustrated. I hate the way that I act towards you when I get that angry- I need to walk away and try again when I have calmed down as I turned into a person that I don't want to be. We then left for the beach and re-connected with some old friends from the original yoga mom's group, which was just so nice. You had a wonderful time playing in the waves and in the sand. We both calmed down and had a beautiful afternoon. We were even able to have Shabbat and then go to a bit of services b/f you ended up asking for ice-cream. It was my first Yom Kippur going out to get ice-cream.
Saturday was another day away from you, which is sad for me. We found out that Asha went into labor. It made me really realize how much work I still need to do around your birth. I don't want you to be haunted by the idea of birth or post-partum issues. I want to work through this before you get much older, so that we can talk about it on a factual level where we can talk about emotions without getting overly emotional. I want this for all of us: you, me, your father and any future sibling as it is just such a sad place to be. I tried to remind myself all afternoon that I had you, we were able nurse, I have started to build this amazingly beautiful bond with you and I am so blessed to have you even though it hurts to think how you came into the world. It is like I feel that I failed you from the start yet I know that this is not true- it was not perfect, but I will never be perfect and all that I can hope is that you learn from my imperfections. I am so excited for a whole day just to play with you. NO stress to be any where at any time, no chores, NOTHING that HAS to get done...our day of fun and love.

loe - you

bye-bye mom...see later...fun day

It is such a great way to start the day knowing that you are looking forward to school and seeing me off, but it is also one of the hardest things seeing how big you are getting. This was my first day away from you all day. You finally napped for 2 whole hrs at school! I really thought that I would miss you SO much for than I did. I mean I did miss you, my breasts ached for you, I didn't know what to do with all that time to study, socialize and go to class, but I could not wait to get home to you. By 7pm I was crying for you and so unsure how our reunion would be. You were excited to see me as I you. We sat and snuggled and talked with dad, which was so nice.
I look forward to seeing how we get into a routine. I can't wait to spend most of the day together tomorrow and all day Sunday. I just hope that this time away from each other will be beneficial
and our bond will still remain strong. I need you to know that I am doing my best: snuggle and or books in the morning, holding you, nursing you and loving on you as much as I can while taking care of myself, our family and not getting too stressed so that I can be present with out getting frustrated. There is no reason for me to be frustrated with you as you are just a baby- you will always be my child, which is why I am hear to take care of you always and forever.

you asked to paint during breakfast...and here you are working so hard

Growing up so fast

This week has made me realize how grown up you are. Your vocabulary is growing by the minute, you slept all night in your night-night boots, you understand wining and asking nicely and you are just such fun to be around. I miss getting to just play with you, so I need to remember to make time. We play in the morning, but there is usually something rushing us and even in the afternoons, so I making a conciouse effort for tomorrow morning and for chunks of time over the weekend to just be present and not making you feel rushed. You have let me carry in the pouch, which is such a great way to start the morning with even more snuggle time. You lean you head on me to cuddle and you take such good care of your dogs, which is so amazing to see. It is hard at night being awake and not being able to touch, look and kiss you. I am falling more in love with you all the time. I don't want to miss these amazing days, weeks, months and years as you really start to blossom into this amazing little lady.

June-ism

I realized that I need to start documenting the cute things that you do!
Now you are all into babies...saying hi to them and making sure that they get their milk.
You are giving "nurs mil" to everything...i wish I had a photo of you walking down the sidewalk giving a pine-cone and then a baby rock nurse milk. It is so amazing watching you nurture others.
We had a great Thursday afternoon...you didn't nap long so we went to the beach. I had nothing so you ran around in your diaper and sun hat- shared other children's sand toys and splashed in the water. It was exactly the type of mom that I would like to be and we were just in it- listening to each other and getting our needs met. Nursing you on the park bench with you naked and the sun out, but us under a shady tree was just perfect. Then i didn't have an extra diaper so you pee-peed outside like a dog and I put a panty liner in your onsie...like I said nothing could have been better.
The next morning you saw dad- you ran to him and almost cried, which made both of us nearly cry. It was a great weekend with the 3 of us. We had a nice Shabbat dinner- still one of your favorite things and spent our time just playing. You acted up most of the time dad was home, but I think it was your way of letting us know how confusing and frustrating this is on you. I know that it is hard on both of us, so I am sure that it very hard on you. I just hope that through this you will learn that our family is always there for each other no matter where we actually are and that change may be difficult or maybe you will learn to embrace. I just can't wait to see who you become, but DON'T grow up too fast!
This morning I dropped you off at school and you waved and said bye bye and then napped at school like it was no big deal. No pacifier or anything- then you said no thank you while driving to swim school...every day you are changing and I feel so lucky to be part of your development.

oh family

It has been few days now with Duchess and Grandpa...they will be leaving tomorrow, which is when I always start to miss them and become happy that they were here. I hope that we can both live in the moment...I need to try harder each day...maybe this is something that you will be gifted at and I can learn from you.
Last night we were so crabby and hot that we went down to this great fish shop and picked up dinner and had an amazing picnic at the beach. It was great watching you explore, chase the birds and munch off of everyone's plate. It was a beautiful evening with the sea air all around and your little prints marking the sand. On the way home you wanted to carry the trash all by yourself- what a stubborn little girl you are...I wonder where you get it from?
Your talk with dad went great...it was just the two of us and you LOVED having him read the cowboy book to you, which Bubbie picked out. Just when you were getting moody we stopped and you went up to bed happy and content...I am hoping that our new plan will work.
Your drop off to school in the morning was a smooth transition and then the cuddle time when you get home is just want you need. We had to push back your swimming b/c you took a later nap...you are doing a great job at sleeping for 2 hrs. You ordered your Halla for the new year, which is just such fun to watch you walk in with your little cards and oder "Halla please". At swim school you missed your step and fell in...you duchess loves you so much that without thinking she was in the water pulling you out. I just can't wait to watch your relationship grow with her.
After swimming we went to Mr. Frosties where you had your first Ice Cream Cone. I am so glad that we could share a first with your grandparents and then talk to Barbie on the drive home.
School and not being with me as much has been challenging on you. You want to hold my hand in the car yet at the same time everything is YOURS and you know exactly what you want. You are full of personality and spunk. It is amazing watching you grow...I just hope that I am guiding you in the best way. Tomorrow Duchess and Grandpa leave and dad will be home late Thursday, so you will see him Friday AM...I am curious to see how this weekend goes for everyone.
I hope that I can watch your personality shine through while instilling in you the need to be kind, gentle, loving and open to the universe and all of its creatures. Staying true to your core while also embracing the light within others and the universal powers that surround us. I am looking forward to watching you continue to blossom.

H-O-T...HOT

Oh my little lady...a 30min nap then off to Alex's house for playtime and dinner turned into the worst night ever. You were so hot, so uncomfortable even the dogs didn't know what todo. None of us slept well, but we knew that Duchess and Grandpa would be coming to town so we made it through. You were so excited to see them, which was just wonderful. You are still trying to figure out what to do when I get sad/upset and it is NOT your job to fix the situation...only role you play is to stop a behavior if that is causing me the frustration. These last few days have been hard on you having dad away, duchess and grandpa in town, bubbie around, and the school part...so many changes for my pip-squeek.
It is so great knowing that you know how much of a role duchess and grandpa want to have in your life and how comfortable you are with them. I am sad that you don't get to be with them every week, but I know soon enough we will find ways for you to spend more and more time with them.
They came to town on Saturday afternoon and we were on a mission for fans, then dinner and the park, which was such fun. Sunday you were so off of your schedule it wasn't even funny. Monday we finally had more of a plan...grocery store in the am, park with grandpa b/f lunch then duchess put you down for a great nap. We then went for a great bike ride and then to the pool.
Every time you talked to dad on the computer you started to act up, which you also did when we had dinner with Bubbie. It has been so hard to see you acting like this: spilling your water, biting, hitting and disobeying. You dropped your plate full of food onto the floor at dinner and it broke all over the place, i have never seen you act in such a way...i hope I can find the best way to help you manouver through these life changes. How I can be your stable, your constant and give you the tools to find your way to self-soothe or get the support so that you don't get too overwhelmed. You are such a lovely child and gift that I hope to guide in the best way possible. I know that there have been so many changes and I am just trying to do my best to figure out how to support you so that you can succeed.
You are the best dirty dish cleaner-upper, which is just too cute. You love swimming in the pool, playing in the sand, kissing your pugs and having all of the attention. I am so lucky to be your mom.