my little helper

You made it till 12 at school!
I was so anxious going to meet with my supervisor thinking that you were going to need me, but you did great! Your lunch box even came home empty. I had so much fun seeing where I would be working and loved knowing that you were learning so much at school. You even made your own OJ. After you short nap we tried to venture to the library, but sadly it was closed, so we ran around out front. It my intention being that you would fall asleep in the car on the way home, but to no avail you were wide awake so off to the park we went. We actually met a girl about your age who had a nice mom...maybe we will see them again. You were just a wild child trying to do everything on your own- it was so cool to see you navigate friends and all the different equipment and toys people brought to the park. You were not the best at sharing...I wonder how long this will last?
Then to the highlights of my day...you helped me prepar dinner!!! We washed the mushrooms and you put the cut mushrooms and greenbeans in the pan and helped with the rice. You then had chips and salsa for an appitizer and then eat a great dinner! THEN you helped me to clean and dry the pots and pans- it was so great having a helper and made evening go so nicely as the work was the fun.
After we cleaned up we had a cup of tea on the couch and read a book. It was such a nice way to calm down at the end of the day. I would repeat this evening MANY times. I look forward to seeing what our routine looks like in a few months. Your new thing is soaking in the tub, I will have to get a picture of it the next time...it is just too cute. It is so amazing all that you can do...I hope that we can have more evenings like this.

School Days

Well, the day started out nicely...then we talked with Dad on the phone and you could not stop throwing your food...we are assuming that you are just having so many feelings and you don't know how to express your sadness over missing dad and the confusion that this whole change has had on you. Once we said good bye you were back to your self and chasing the pugs around. It was so cute to see you so happy. We made it to school right on time and your little face was so confused when the teacher took you out of the car even with all the explanation you could see your little mind trying to figure out what was actually going happening. By 9:15 I was called to plan on getting you at 10, so i picked you up so full of tears and we went to get my hair cut which was such a crazy adventure as you just could not sit still. Home for lunch to talk with Duchess and Grandpa, nap then off the puppet show.
Oh did we just love the puppet show, you sat on my lap and just took the whole thing in while talking to all the animals on stage. Then we had a fun snack time in the park with your friends...it was great seeing you, Cole, Evertt and Nevia running around...you are all growing up so fast.
Swim school was great and you were so hungry that we had to stop for a burrito on the way home. You just did not stop today- you walked most of the long walk while balancing on the curb (your new favorite thing to do). After dinner you reminded me that if we did not have time to stop for ice-cream that you could have a popsicle, so we sat outside enjoy the summer night.
Early to bed as you took a short nap and never stopped moving all day. I am nervous about school tomorrow as I have a meeting with my Supervisor and you have already let me know that you don't want to go to school. We will see how the morning goes. It is really hard to leave you, but I found a great place for you, you will learn so much there, I get to follow my dreams and support the family, we get to play in the afternoons and weekends together and you get to learn to find comfort within yourself for a few hours each week day. I can't let you quit just because the first day was hard. I am going to be strong for both of us tomorrow and know that it will just take time and we will both get through this. In just a few weeks you will be so excited to go to school that you will be rushing me out of the house.
I am loving growing with you.

Paint the walls

Today I realized how much my actions affect you. I have been short tempered and physical in my responses and it made me sad to see you react in such a way. I was sad that it was me that showed you frustration and sadness. It is my job as a mom to be your support, your safty net, the person to lead by example and i was getting frusterated over the smallest of things. Big red flag to take a break, let some things go and fill myself up. I get to be what ever mom I want to be, which I am now trying to remind myself each step of the way.
We went to a very cool place to paint on the walls and everything else. It was such a neat place and this is what helped me to realize that you feed off my emotions and my reactions- that is such a great amount of power and responsibility that I do need to hold as more sacred. After our painting adventure and life lessons we played in the water outside and had our first popsicle in our new house. It was much needed fun as we waited for you 18m check up.
You did a great job at Dr. Archy's and then we came home for TV time and early to bed as you were a bit of a mess. Yet, you could not get enough of your band-aid- it was so shinny!
Couldn't believe that I was then getting you all packed up for your first day of school!

day of fun

It was our first trip to the zoo just the 2 of us! You were too cute knowing what you wanted to see and we figured out how to see your monkeys, llama, camel, and RIO. It was so nice getting to explore with you. We then got to go to the park with the pugs and just play...I just wanted to play with you. I am so not ready for you to start school- once school starts it means that you are no longer mine, I will only have you on the summers and someone else will be raising you. You are only little once...i got to carried you to bed wrapped in your towel like a little baby and it felt so nice.

Oh me oh my

what a Sunday...1 hr nap and a crazy park monster makes for an interesting day. I kept you in a diaper as you have stopped wanting to tell me when you need to go on the potty- yesterday was just awful and today I was frustrated when you peed on the floor once. There is NO need for me to be frustrated at you...it is all me. I do however wonder what has made you change your mind about using the potty, is it b/c daddy is gone, is it the new house or are you just not ready to take on so many changes. Giving you your freedom means that I need to charged and minimize the unnecessary frustrations like you going pee on the couch...looks like we are both stubborn ladies!
I worked on filling up my battery and went for a walk just thinking about my intention for these next months together. How can I honor you and myself while we both take on so many new things. It is going to be a balancing act that I hope will allow me to follow my dreams and provide you with a strong foundation. I know that I will do many things to hurt you and mess you up through the years, but hopefully evenings at the park with friends followed by a yummy dinner and bath with Riva and others like her will provide you with a sense of security and love. You did have your nurse milk b/f bed, which was nice. Sending you loving thoughts and lots of positive energy as I lay in bed listening to the monitor while you sleep peacefully in your bed. May I wake up fresh for a fun day at the zoo and a productive nap time to finish up my paper! Sweetest dreams my June bug...

ice cream...you scream

Our first saturday night was just perfect. I never thought that grocery shopping finished with sharing a mini cup in the parking lot would be so wonderful. You wanted to hold the cup and use your own spoon. Something so small made me realize how fast you are growing up while at the same time how much you still need me. Sometimes I get frustrated by you needing me, but then when you are not around and don't ask for me I feel so alone. I hope that for these next few months and for the rest of our time together and can take a breath with each demand of me and find the beauty in being needed by my LO while helping to guide you as you grow your own wings. I love you so much...even when you wake me at 530 for your nurse milk. Never stop asking for me...I will always be there.

fun filled day

oh my little lady!

we went to talk about my feelings and I realized that I must lean into my anxiety. I am still struggling with my separation anxiety yet i realized that this is a chance for me to grow and strengthen a part of me and best part is...I get to do it with you. I hope that I will see all your strengths and amazing skills as you grow. We shopped, played and ran like crazy at the park. Give me time my little toast point to find more of my inner light and strength to run freely by your side in the sunshine. I hope that my sadness and anxiety doesn't hinder your ability to blossom and see the beauty in the world around you.
Today I learned that instead of feeling like I have not grown because I am using the same coping skills from when I was 12 I will honor how smart my 12 year old self was. I hope that you will always honor yourself and never forget to lean back in your swing and smile at the sun the way you know how to do at 18m. June you are a gift of sunshine to this beautiful world.
You are worth every late night because it is just more time that I get to play with you during the day- i get to follow both of my dreams: being a mom and helping others...its one day at a time filled with laughter and probably some tears and lots of hugs and kisses.

"dammit you said as you knocked over the bubble water"

Day 1

June,
today was the first day that it was just the 2 of us. We have spent the last month the three of us for 24/7. Yet, for the past few weeks I have been in a lot of classes and recently attended a training for 36hrs away from you. It was a great expierence, but I missed you so very much. It was so nice spending the whole day together, which something that we had not been able to do in a very long time.
You were wonderful going to class with me and attending you first afternoon swim class. We managed to have a nice dinner just the two of us, but it will take some practice on my end to make that run more smoothly.
It was so cute watching you talk with dad on the computer. i will never forget your little lip quizer as he said goodnight. You two became so close over the past month that he was home it was absolutly amazing to see.
I look forward to getting into the flow of this new schedule as I am so sad and anxious for the future. I want to be the best mom that I can and give you best life possible. I hope that we are making good decisions, but all that really matters is that you know that we love you so much and are doing the best that we can.
I will find the best way that I know how to get you ready for pre-school next week and for having only a mom at home while still growing your relationship with your dad who is doing the best he can to provide and care for us. I look forward to finding our rythem, days full of smiles, morings cuddeling in bed, treasuring the weekends together and watching you continue to grow into an amazing compastionate little lady. I am so madly in love with you my pip-squeek- there is no one else who i would prefer to share in this journy.